Sunday 2/5/17, 2:45 AM.

Awoke to a terrible, head-pounding nightmare where I was with Edwin A., my boss here in Sanford for about 6 years.   We were working for the phone company down in Boston, delivering a cardboard box with a large package of Chinese explosive in it, and we were hopelessly lost somewhere in the big building, going from floor to floor on the elevators.  It was just like The Southern New England Telephone company, but it was a much bigger city, on Boylston Street.

I was told to guard the box, and had use a sharpie magic marker to write "Explosives" on the box, and I just remember amazing fear when I looked inside the box and saw the cellophane wrapped package with Chinese lettering on it, and the skull and cross warning of death.

I was going to meet Doris, my wife, somewhere outside the phone company, but as I mentioned, I was lost.  I was terribly lost, and afraid.  I was in the lobby, locked inside, unable to enter or exit.  Then I decided to use my handy jitterbug cell phone and called Doris, and she answered and we tried to arrange where she could pick me up.

I made it to the quiet street, and looked and waited for Doris to pull up soon.  The song "Big City" began to blare loudly in my head as I stood on the cold sidewalk, looking both ways in vain.  I had blurred vision as I awoke at that time, the words of the song loud in my brain, disoriented and unsteady on my feet, rubbing my one eye fearing that I had aggravated my Chalazion (inflamed oil gland) on my eyelid.  

I was learning fast that that was a dreadful nightmare, and that I had to listen to Merle Haggard sing the song "Big City".  So I washed my face, and peed, and went to sit in the living room, where I sat dizzily and weak, worried about the low blood sugar.

My commands to the Echo Dot were simple, "Alexa, play the song big city by merle haggard", and the song began.  I repeated it about 15 times, and listened over and again to the lyrics, and tried to figure out that damned nightmare, and what the hell was going on.

That Saturday I spoke with my son Ben and then my daughter Ellie, about possible move of Doris and me to North Carolina.  The great escape all over again.  Ben was being logical and persuasive, making on point arguments that logic could not refute.  I was confused as usual, and indecisive.  Just that morning we had called Gallipolis, Ohio Bob Evans Restaurant to see if they were still open.  They were open, and the decision was made to move to Gallipolis, our other home.

Then I read the newly minted on-line daily newspaper of the Gallipolis Daily Tribune, and found an op-ed by them that expressed their official "hope" that the new conglomerate that bought Bob Evans Farm would still stay there in Gallipolis and keep their farm in Rio Grande, their home nearby.  It was some new CEO with an Indian sounding name, who tried to reassure that they were going back to basics, "making good sausage."  The restaurants were being sold off to some management company.

So Gallipolis lost some favor, and we were headed to Wells to look at the ocean and pray, which is our most common activity.  Then Ben called, and the logical case was being presented.  North Carolina was a "no-brainer". He is right of course.  But the fear is enormous.  I get chills up my spine when I think of being engulfed by all their "great IBM shops" down there in Research Triangle Park, as unhelpful brother George pointed out at 10 AM on Christmas day.

I saw computers everywhere, and simply wanted the quiet, sedate Ashmont Street where it has been nearly twenty years of quiet and sedation, of all kinds.

But then Ellie called.  Whatever happens, I know I have to get to know her all over again, and learn her new name which is her old name -- "Elise".  Makes me think of Elise Piazza that wonderful first love of mine back in the 60's, after whom we named Elise Margaret Margoles, my wonderful newborn daughter back in 1975.  "Ellie" worked for all the time I knew her closely, when she was young.

Anyway, Elise simply spoke quietly, her baby was asleep and stirring to consciousness from a welcome nap.  She spoke so clearly of Hillsborough, and how it was a nice place to live...a walking path, a park, about 6400 people, only 20 minutes to Chapel Hill, two of my favorite grandchildren there and my daughter and son-in-law.  

She made me feel welcome.  That's it simply -- "Welcome."  I haven't felt "welcome" after 20 years in Sanford, where we have lived for 2 decades without a house guest coming into our home.  Where our only real friends, JoAnn and Zeke, up and moved or died over 15 years ago.  

Elise made me feel welcome.  Elise made me and Doris feel welcome.  And then I rested and went to bed early with Doris, to dream-think about the day..

Then the horrible nightmare about working with explosives with Edwin A, in that "Big City."  I know Research Triangle Park is a a "Big City", but also in the country.  A Place to Fall Apart?  Or a new home?  Family again?  New family?  Doris will be happy?  Can she leave her home here and her plastic Facebook friends?  Can we give up this comfortable home and start over?  What new doctors?  What new everything?  How the hell get there?  It is so far?  Fly?  Drive?  Trains?  

I just decided to let Doris sleep and not wake her up about the nightmare, as I sometimes do when the nightmares are this bad.  I decided to go to my blog, and write this post to my beautiful, bewildered grown children, and my four young grandchildren.

I love you all, and I love Doris.  I am terrified, but I Hope still.

Link to Youtube video of Merle Haggard singing "Big City"

Merle Haggard – Big City Lyrics

I'm tired of this dirty old city 
And tired of too much work 
And never enough play
And I'm tired of these dirty old sidewalks 
Think I'll walk off my steady job today
Turn me loose, set me free 
Somewhere in the middle of Montana
And give me all I've got coming to me
And keep your retirement and your 
So called Social Security
Big city turn me loose and set me free

Been working everyday since I was twenty
Haven't got a thing to show 
For anything I've done
There's folks who never work 
And they've got plenty
Think it's time some guys like me had some fun
So turn me loose, set me free 
Somewhere in the middle of Montana
And give me all I've got coming to me
And keep your retirement and your 
So called Social Security
Yeah big city turn me loose and set me free

Songwriters: HAGGARD, MERLE / HOLLOWAY, DEAN

Big City lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Several years ago, before their first son Ari was born, Ellie and her husband visited Maine and spoke fondly of Old Crow Medicine Show, and their great song "Wagon Wheel" about heading south to North Carolina.  I was happy for them, and envied their youthful optimism.  They drove in a light snow to stay at Robin's house in Saco, and I stayed up late worrying about them traveling that dangerous road to Saco at night in the snow.  But they made it, and the next day they came here and we saw them off on their return trip to North Carolina.  I kept playing "Wagon Wheel", and started to wonder about Hope.  I love Ben and Ellie all the bunches in the world, and I miss my grandchildren also.  I choose life.  The logistics are all that remain.  I am as terrified and overwhelmed as I have ever been, even after running away from New Haven and the Greeks.  I will go to Wells Beach today with Doris, look out across the ocean and stare at London in the distance and pray, and remember always the 20 years of lonely days of disability here on Ashmont Street.  I will pray for the answers and hope we all need.
Youtube video of Old Crow Medicine Show singing "Wagon Wheel"

Old Crow Medicine Show – Wagon Wheel Lyrics

Headed down south to the land of the pines
And I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline
Starin' up the road
Pray to God I see headlights

I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh
I can see my baby tonight

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Runnin' from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time string band
My baby plays the guitar
I pick a banjo now

Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now
Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain't a turnin' back
To livin' that old life no more

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Walkin' to the south out of Roanoke
I caught a trucker out of Philly
Had a nice long toke
But he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap
To Johnson City, Tennessee

And I gotta get a move on before the sun
I hear my baby callin' my name
And I know that she's the only one
And if I die in Raleigh
At least I will die free

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Songwriters: JAY SECOR, BOB DYLAN

Wagon Wheel lyrics © DOWNTOWN MUSIC PUBLISHING LLC, BOB DYLAN MUSIC CO

• ·